Loving yourself is not black and white, it’s not simply a matter of do you love yourself or not?


Loving yourself is actually far less elusive and much more doable than saying ‘Well…do you or don’t you?’


It’s about choosing to step onto the self-love path, and taking small actions that allow you to love yourself a little more and then a little more… of which every step will bring you more lightness of being, ease of existing, joy, connection, abundance and so much more.


However it’s rarely as linear as this makes it sound. Because with every expansion there’s an existing contraction to move through, but we’ll get to that shortly.

First of all answer this question…


What would it be like to love yourself more?  


Knowing this will help understand why it’s so important to you to love yourself more. Which is where you’ll find your motivation to commit to staying on the path.


Here’s some examples of what it was like for me to be further along my self-love path, I was able to…

• Be myself more
  
• Care less about what other’s thought of me
  
• Follow through on commitments to myself
  
• Speak to myself with compassion
  
• Take more risks
  
• Trust my intuition
  
• Fall in love!
  

So, now write down what it would be like for you…
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Acknowledging where you are now gives you a barometer to check back in with so you know when you’ve moved further along.


Do this now, ask yourself ‘How much do I love myself right now?’


Check in with how your body felt when you asked. Did you feel expansive or did you sense a contraction? This will give you an initial idea of where you’re at, a contraction indicating some discomfort towards loving yourself. And an expansion letting you know you’ve walked the path of self-love for a while now and it’s feeling good.


Regardless of where you begin, keep going, because there’s always more love to receive from yourself.


In the beginning of stepping on the self-love path however you may not be aware of any love for yourself at all, which is hard and it sucks but that’s OK it’s just where you’re at right now and by acknowledging this it will help you to change it.  

To help you with your first steps here’s the link to anther blog I wrote. It’s called 'Get What You Want’ and it’s a 7 step guide to The Feel It Process.


The Feel It Process is all about changing how you feel. Which allows you to let go of the limiting beliefs that are blocking you from feeling love for yourself and living the delicious life you want.


Earlier I mentioned that loving yourself is not linear. Working with Feel It is all about acknowledging where your contractions are so you can use them to expand into who you want to be… aka who you really are!


It’s an incredibly powerful process and it’s the reason I’m in such a nourishing and loving relationship with my partner now…before I had Feel It in my life it looked like I was never going to find a partner.

It’s really Living KNOWING you’re loved, but I couldn’t resist the alliteration.
Living like you’re loved means asking yourself what would ‘Loved up me’ do in this situation and how would they be feeling? What would ‘loved up me’ say? How would ‘loved up me’ walk? And so forth.


Do this by connecting to the YOU who is already feeling deeply loved, because that version of you exists somewhere in this quantum universe right now. And they’re excited to teach you how awesome it feels knowing you’re loved. Visualise them in your mind and feel into their energy, vibration and the support and love they’re sending you.


Tune into their energy every day before you get out of bed and multiple times throughout the day, you can even set an alarm to remind yourself initially until it becomes a habit. 
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As you step onto the self-love path it might only feel like the faintest trickle, or tiny flicker of love is present. However this is actually a great start! Giant oak trees grow from tiny acorns after all! So don’t fear what appears to be meagre beginnings.


Breathe into the tiny piece of love you sense and invite it to expand, the more you acknowledge it the more love will spread through you’re entire body and energy field.
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​You don’t have to be perfect at any of this, AND it’s a great idea to ask for help. I sucked at this in the beginning if it wasn’t for my coach helping me I’d never have stuck with it, so if you’re like me and you’re struggling with any of this please reach out, because I’d love to support you. Receiving coaching from someone who’s been walking the self-love path for a long time makes everything so much easier!

The process is called Feel It, aptly named because the focus of it is to acknowledge and to feel the emotions we usually avoid. However emotions can’t ever really be avoided. The ones we attempt to push down and distract ourselves from only rise up in other ways causing us pain and frustration.


It’s easy to tell if there are emotions we need to pay attention to, events such as injury, illness, stress, and difficult experiences begin to manifest in your life that resonate with the ignored emotion. Emotions carry a frequency that aligns us with experiences of a similar frequency.


This is why we want to acknowledge our uncomfortable emotions because in doing so we can release them and choose a different frequency.


And that’s how, from the inside out, I’m going to teach you to get what you want in both your relationships and in life! So let’s get started…
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Take your time to answer the question in each step and sense the answers rather than using your logical mind to figure them out.


Anytime you receive intuitive guidance, pause and note this down. Once you get the hang of using ‘Feel It’ allow your inner guidance to direct you, making the process your own.


1.     What DON’T you want anymore?


For example…


-      To be lonely,
-      To have limited finances
-      To be fighting with your partner


2.     What emotion/s does the above experience trigger within you? Is it anger, sadness, shame…


3.     Where do you feel the emotion in your body and what does it feel like? Do you see it as having a colour, shape, texture, frequency or weight? Maybe you experience it as pain, tension or a constricted feeling, in your chest, ankle or head…


4.     How intense, from 0-10, is the emotion from step 2 and the physical sensation from step 3?


5.     Breathe and feel without trying to shift or change the emotion. This is important because Feel It is about accepting how you’re feeling and not trying to run away from it.


6.     It WILL change however, so stay with the feeling until it’s completely gone. There may be another emotion underneath the one you started with, keep feeling through the layers until you reach a feeling of clarity, curiosity or even confusion. Confusion sometimes pops up when we realise the emotion is gone and we’re not used to that!


7.     With your new level of clarity, ask your heart/intuition what’s the next best step for me to take now so I can move closer to what I want? Trust what comes up here, it may seem random like take a bath or get your haircut, but if it feels right go with it!




This is a powerful process just as is, and if it brings you to an awareness that you’d love some deeper support and guidance, I’m only a message away.

It’s a big deal, conscious relationships require vulnerability. Which can be hugely scary, especially when you don’t understand the drawbacks of avoiding it, or the benefits from leaning into it.


When we avoid vulnerability, like I used to, it’s because we’re afraid of letting ourselves be seen, especially all the gritty, gnarly and not-good-enough-feeling parts.


And it can be tough to imagine that along with those gritty parts resides the greatest, unique-est (not technically a word), SEXIEST parts of us, the parts that an ideal partner would be drawn to like a donkey to a carrot.
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You begin by creating a conscious relationship with yourself. It may sound strange but here’s how you do it…


The first thing is to realise that the way you treat yourself and the way you expect to be treated is how your partner will treat you too.


So let’s begin by checking in with how you treat yourself… Including the things you say about yourself inside your head.


Think of how you speak to yourself about your body, intelligence, capability, productiveness, your past, the food you eat, your habits, what you look like in the morning, your financial situation and your career…


Leave nothing unturned and see what your genuine feelings are about yourself.


Any thoughts telling you off, berating you or subtly letting you know you’re not good enough are the areas you currently have a negative view of yourself and you now get to change.
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For example if you hate your legs and you always insult them…

1. Begin by noticing every time you insult your legs.

2. When you catch yourself in a insult switch breathe, acknowledge how it felt, often when we realise that how we speak to ourselves feels really hurtful it helps us to change.

3. Consciously replace the insult to your legs with a compliment you genuinely feel that can be about anything at all. For example ‘I have beautiful eyes.’ or ‘I’m an incredible artist and I love creating.’

4. Once you’re out of the habit of insulting your legs. Begin to notice what’s great about them. That they carry your body, you can walk up stairs and so on…

Note: This is NOT a fool proof way to change your feelings towards yourself. BUT it’ll definitely be a great start, and if you’d like help letting go of your destructive feelings towards yourself, contact me now I’d love to help.


Another way to create a conscious relationship with yourself is to collate contrary evidence of what you’ve been telling yourself. Ask friends and colleagues, compile examples in your life that prove your viewpoint false. Again this exercise is unlikely to heal deeper issues for why you say unkind things to yourself, but it’ll be a great start.
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You do NOT need to be perfect. Aim for compassion and getting better at treating yourself the way you deserve… which in case you’re not aware is like the most treasured and loved creature you can imagine, then times it by 1000.

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Because before I got together with my partner Phil I’d become really great at speaking to myself kindly, honouring where I was doing great, validating my emotions, speaking kindly to my body, giving myself the love and support I needed…


And this and much more is what I receive back from Phil. This practice of loving and honouring yourself more is so worth it, not just to have an awesome conscious relationship, but to live the life you’ve always wanted to live.

Practice with other people! Your family, your friends and colleagues. Lean into vulnerability, and work on holding space for others to do the same with you. And of course begin taking responsibility for your uncomfortable emotions that arise.


For more of my help, click the link below to receive my FREE roadmap:
THE 9 ACTIONS THAT LED ME TO FIND LOVE

My whole life people have been telling me relationships are hard.


I listened, but I never bought into the belief.


As you know we inherit a great deal of our beliefs from witnessing our parents, and mine had a beautiful and easy relationship.



There was the slight hiccough in their marriage when Dad died of course, which triggered my belief that if you love a man he’ll die - so best not go there. However since having released that belief and healed the resulting commitment phobia I’m now in an awesome relationship.


And today is our first anniversary! Whoop, whoop! Happy Anniversary to us.


It’s an awesome, and novel thing to be a year in and getting excited about our future together instead of fretting about my exit strategy.


And our relationship is beautiful and easy!


Yes I know 12 months is a mere blip on the relationship radar. Only last Saturday we celebrated our friends’ 50th wedding anniversary. But we’ve started well and there’s a really important reason why we feel things will keep going great and getting better…



And that’s because we address the hard things when they come up and we heal and grow together because of it.


Of course there’s a reason why so many people keep saying that relationships are hard.


Relationships, romantic or otherwise, mirror to us what we believe about ourselves and the world. And our beliefs are not always easy. So when we’re in relationship that lack of ease will arise, hence creating a relationship that feels hard, and then subsequently a belief that relationships ARE hard.


But it’s not true, don’t buy into this limiting belief!


Relationships can be easy and magical and beautiful, AND they take focus, effort, vulnerability and many other awesome things that we’re, ideally, dedicating to ourselves anyway. If you’re not regularly doing this then that’s one BIG reason why you’ll be experiencing relationships as being hard.


Your most important relationship is of course with yourself so you need to keep dedicating time to YOU.


So if you currently hold the belief that relationships are hard, I urge you to challenge this belief, root out the underlying causes of it and change it!


Focusing on what you have that’s awesome already is a brilliant place to begin, so…


What relationship (any kind, sister, lover, daughter, friend), in your life is easy and beautiful? Tell me some of the greatness about it in the comments below.

UPDATE: We've now been together for three and a half years, and our relationship is still getting better. If you'd like to find out how I went from being forever single to being in my nourishing and sexy AF relationship click the link below and download my FREE roadmap:
The 9 ACTIONS THAT LED ME TO FIND LOVE

I asked my intuition what I needed to do to meet my man.


It raised an eyebrow at me quizzically, yes my intuition has eyebrows, it was feeling into whether or not I was ready to hear what it had to say.


‘Just tell me already!’


‘OK, stop dating.’


WTF?? Seriously!

My mission, handed to me as an indestructible message burned into my brain, was to only date guys I felt a genuine heart connection with. Which sucked! Because I never met guys like this unless they lived in a different country to me. (If alarms bells are going off for you on hearing this, you’d be right, I, however had no idea this was an issue, it was simply how things were.)



My mission from my intuition might sound harsh, I mean how do you know if a heart connection even exists with someone until you've dated them for a while?


Well...I've always known.


Literally the second I'd meet a guy I intuitively knew if we had the potential to connect deeply or not. (This, btw, is something you can activate within you if it doesn’t come naturally yet.)
But I'd chosen to override this insight for years, mainly because it was hugely inconvenient to my ego.


If I’d not overridden my intuition I’d have had far less distractions from feeling not good enough, and my ego HATED me not feeling good enough. Sure, I felt this way often regardless, but the highs I got from dating inappropriate men were what I looked forward to, without the enticement of flattering attention, what the hell would I do? Become a lonely loser?



When I stopped dating I allowed my fears of being not good enough to come up so I could heal them. Through this healing work I came to love that lonely loser, who no longer felt lonely or at all like a loser anymore. Nope. What had I been thinking, I was a catch!


I continued to follow my heart and a year or so later I made a snap decision to leave London and return to NZ. Which is where I met my awesome partner, who I’m in a mind-blowingly beautiful relationship with.


One way to get better at listening to your intuition and to reap the rewards from doing so, is to follow its advice when it sucks. When we only do the things we’re guided to that are comfortable for us, it’s like trying to get fit by having massages and avoiding working out. You’re getting part of it but you’re missing the major piece.


Change takes courage so I’m going to ask a question to your courageous self.


Is there something uncomfortable you’re being guided to do right now, and if so what difference to your life do you think it’d make if you followed it?

Have you ever cringed so deeply at something you said or did, that you almost imploded.


Huh? Nah me neither, I’ve only ever said and done the perfect thing at the perfect time...


Ha!


Yep I’ve been a total twat-features-loser-face a number of times in my life and there’s always one thing in common with these moments.



It’s when I’ve been feeling ugly, insecure and desperately trying to please or prove myself to be worthy.


This feeling is a prime opportunity for idiotic things to fall out of one’s mouth, and for us to act in ditsy, mean and arrogant ways. It’s not an excuse, it’s not assigning blame, it just IS.


There is however, much that can be done about it, and in fact quietly recalling one of these ugly moments is a golden pathway to filtering them out of your life and embracing more of the beautiful.


First we gotta own the ugly, recognising that what we said or did wasn’t an expression our of highest and truest self.



Maybe we need to make amends to someone and if so let’s do that. There’s nothing that impresses me more than someone who humbly owns acting like a twat and uses that experience to become a better human.


However! BEFORE we speak to anyone else we MUST come into alignment within ourselves. This means feeling through the ugly emotions and getting to a place of loving yourself even though you’ve acted like a loser. (Excuse the judgey terminology, I’m just trying to make this very clear.)


Once we’ve done that the cringey-ness will have gone and we can accept ourselves no matter what the outcome. Then, and I recommend only then, is it time to speak to anyone else who was impacted by what we did or said, if it feels right to do so.



Cancel culture is huge right now and that’s a real shame, because we learn the best things by being a bit of a loser at times and sometimes that doesn’t look very pretty.


And the way we end this culture is to STOP CANCELLING OURSELVES. We only judge others harshly when we judge ourselves that way too. The more of us who embrace the ugly and love ourselves the more beautiful we create our world to be.


I’m here for you, without judgement, if you’d like to make that brave move towards embracing the ugly and loving yourself even more.

When something in my life went wrong I felt horrendous, so I had to outsource my anger onto someone or something else. And unsurprisingly during this time of my life, things messed up a lot.


Small things that felt big like when I was living with a friend and an underwire from my bra got stuck in her dryer breaking it and costing me money I didn’t have. Or when I fell for online scams and paid for free services.


But also big things too, I finally got the break I was looking for, my dream career was lined up and I was about to walk into it when the owner of the company’s wife left him, he fell into depression and that was the end of that.


I blamed the bra, the scammers and the people who’d messed things up for me, I got angry and upset and that’s how I stayed stuck. Opportunities would arise and fall away for no apparent reason, and minor frustrations plagued my day to day life.


That was until I made a decision that caused a massive shift.

​I chose to take full responsibility for how I was feeling and the things that showed up in my life.


Through doing so I stopped giving my power away to the people and situations I was angry at and claimed that anger as something for me to move through myself. My anger was there to teach me something, to show me parts of myself I was denying, ashamed of, fearful towards, and as long as I was keeping them buried I couldn’t see my true magic.


So yes, sometimes I still get angry, but it takes a lot more to make me angry now than it did before, and when I get angry I acknowledge it and take time to feel through it. This in itself is a magical alchemical process that brings us closer and closer to presence, peace and living in fulfilled joy.


It’s taking ultimate responsibility for ourselves, which is the single most powerful thing any of us can do to create the harmonious world we want to live in.


Laying blame is so often our ‘go to’ response to uncomfortable emotions, if it’s not blaming others then we do it to ourselves. If someone makes us angry there’s massive temptation to blame how we’re feeling on them. Which is OK, as we must honour our true feelings.


But at the same time let’s also realise that how we feel has nothing to do with anyone or anything else, and everything to do with ourselves. We’re only able to be angered by the triggers and fears that already exist within us, and when we take care of these we always end up at compassion, both for ourselves and for others.


I’m now much more able to have compassion for those who think some things I believe are wrong. It took me a while to get here, but I’m grateful for the uncomfortable encounters with these people, and my ability to heal my emotions, as it’s allowed me to step more fully into peacefulness and therefore into my power. Remember that our greatest teachers are often not the people we love to be around.


I’m aware what I’m talking about is some next level mastery shit, and of course not everyone’s going to understand it or embrace it and many will continue to blame others for how they feel. But that’s OK, those people are needed too, they’re helping trigger many into deeper levels of compassion.


Everyone has a right to be where they are and to believe what they believe, no one is better than anyone else. We’ve all been judgemental and we’ve all acted like a**eholes at one point or another, and yet we’re all amazing and we’re all worthy of love.


So if you’re struggling, especially right now, with feeling anger towards others please ask for help.


It doesn’t matter what you believe, your perceived antagonists are your greatest teachers, they’re the ones providing you with the richest opportunities for growth and for living your highest vibrational life. All you have to do is own how you’re feeling because of them, and when you move through those feelings that’s a massive step towards creating the magical life you desire.


If you’d like support with this I’m here for you, book in your free discovery call with me now.

For years I wrote lists of my ideal man. Wanting so much to magically manifest him from what I'd written down. I'd get so frustrated when I'd end up in another shitty short term relationship or meet no one at all. I joked that I was cursed. And in some ways I was, but not in the ways you'd think.


I'm not saying manifestation doesn't work, because it really does! However there's a lot more to it than I thought back then. I hadn't been able to manifest my ideal man because I was terrified of relationships. Yep, I'd deftly avoided getting into a relationship where I'd fall in love, because deep down I desperately didn't want to be in one.


My Dad died when I was 19 and this taught my subconscious that loving a man is a very dumb idea. And as many of us are aware our subconscious’ rules. Which is why it’s so important when we want change, that we create deep shifts which impact us on all levels, not just the ones we’re consciously aware of.


The affect of Dad dying was enough for me to sabotage the potential of a healthy relationship, however that wasn’t the only issue. I also had traumatic past lives and other blocks that compounded my commitment phobia.


I was craving a loving relationship yet I pushed any possibility of one away without even realising I was doing it. That's the thing, if we don't have what we want, there's always a reason why. Which means we have the power to change it. But it’s also why simply writing lists of what we want and imagining how wonderful it'll feel when we get it, often won't be enough to actually manifest it.

The reason I've chosen a photo of me and not one of me and my awesome partner is because the greatest thing I’ve manifested wasn't actually him, no it’s my amazing relationship with me. Because aside from getting over my commitment phobia I also had to see myself for who I truly am and love all of me.


Seeing ourselves and our magic is an ongoing process, there's always more awesome things for us to discover, and it starts with making a commitment to ourselves.


If you feel called to make this commitment to yourself I encourage you to do it without delay. Because through that decision your world will open up to support you having an amazing relationship with yourself. And from there you’ll easily attract an incredible partner.


If you'd like me to support you to do this I’m here for you.

Arohanui x